Published On:Saturday, November 3, 2012
Posted by abg man
The foolproof sex plan
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Can the sex-tips manual that actor Meryl Streep turns to in her next film revolutionise your love life?
If indeed Adam's first words to Eve were, "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets", then marriage counselling was the obvious next step for the Bible's first couple. And if tumbleweed is blowing through the Gobi desert that is your sex life, then Sex Tips For Straight Women From A Gay Man — the book that claims to reveal secrets that could put the vava-voom back, is for you.
Authors Maggie Berman and her gay friend Dan Anderson say they published the book after Berman and her gal pals took Anderson's advice on how to put the spark back into their relationships and got great results.
The trick to keeping a man happy, says the book, is for women to just go for it and be more straightforward.
In fact, like a modern-day Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady, author Anderson says: "Why can't a woman be more like a gay man?"
Here's our selection of the best tips from the book:
Undress to impress
Be sparing with the perfume, and never wear dangly jewellery, unless you have done a first-aid course.
Keep the hair and nail extensions a secret. If he finds a nail tip in the bed, he will think you are falling apart.
When setting the scene for a night of passion, gay men wouldn't consider any bed less than queensized. In an ideal world it wouldn't have a foot or headboard either, but unless you are banged up in prison, that is unlikely.
Give your teddies the night off — nobody wants to eyeball a threadbare Mrs Tiggy-Winkle when they are doing the dirty.
Keep a small supply of condoms in a bedside table and separate the foil sachets — you don't want him to feel like he is taking a ticket at a deli counter.
Men and their rulers
All men know the exact length of their tackle, to the nearest millimetre. Don't ever say, "Uh, if that's seven inches, then the ceilings in here are 20 feet high." He will never forgive you, or worse, he may even plot your death.
Naming the crown jewels is apparently more popular among straight than gay men, with Roger topping the list, but Godzilla also gets a mention. No doubt shortened to God on a cold day.
Foreplay (ha, ha, ha...don't get me started)
It seems men just want women to call the shots and do all the work. This shouldn't come as much of a shock, but perhaps it would be fun once in a while to throw caution to the wind and lose the winceyette nightie. Here's how the book suggests you turn up the heat:
Kissing: What makes a good kiss? Loose lips, open mouth and throw in an open attitude.
Love bites: But not so many that he thinks you have an oral fixation, and never leave hickey marks.
Massage: Overzealous stroking of men's hairy bodies can be painful for them. Instead massage muscle — if you can find some — and mix it up with some back scratching and vigorous head massage. Any longer than 10 minutes though and earth-shattering snores may ruin the mood.
Accessorise to maximise talk dirty: Put on your lowest, sexiest voice. It is not so much what you say, but how you say it — although try not to moan about him never doing the dishes.
Blue movies: Women like to read mummy porn but guys just want to watch. Show him something on film, and he will think you want it too.
Nookie monster
In 7th-century China, Master Tung-hsuan described 30 basic positions of "clouds and rain", but we could honestly only think of five, and one of those is impossible unless you happen to be doublejointed. The book recommends you try lots of positions, from Phoenix Holding its Chicken, to Bamboos by the Altar, and Winding Dragon, (which sounds more like a visit from the mother-in-law) and that you use a pillow for support.
In short, the authors break sex down into three main races:
Sprint: Men are always ready for sex so there is nothing wrong with enjoying a quickie.
Relays: Time things properly to reach the finishing line.
Marathons: Don't do things by halves, this is about stamina. Try lots of positions and keep well hydrated. Perhaps think about bringing a book along if things get boring.
No way!
Fantasy is fine as long as it is not the staple of your sex life. Lots of things are okay — dressing up, sex in a lift, dirty talk, handcuffs, edibles. But if he suggests anything that involves cutlery, feel free to say no.
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