Published On:Thursday, January 2, 2014
Posted by devil
2014: Relationship Breakthrough or Breakdown? By Grace Chatting
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A New Year beckons with all its joyful possibilities for your relationship, but I am only too aware that many of you may be entering the New Year with a heavy heart and divorce on your mind. It is a well known fact that there are more applications for divorce in January than any other time of the year. Why is that?
Well, many of you whose marriage or relationship has been strained, especially those with children, decide that you will keep the family together for Christmas, and there may be a faint hope that somehow magically the situation will get better. Most will have tried everything you know to make a go of the relationship, but of course the kind of stress inherent in the holiday usually puts the final nail in the coffin, and you decide you neither want nor will have another year of it.
Some of you may be in an abusive relationship, or be with someone who has an alcohol problem, and you have just about had enough of yours and the children's Christmases (and your life) being ruined by a drunken partner, with all the attendant financial stress and uncertainty. It may indeed be the right thing to pull the plug before any more damage is done.
Many others are in the hiatus of the fallout from a workplace affair, although this is usually a sign that the relationship may already have been in trouble. Often people have what is known as an exit affair. That is, an infidelity which in itself is not meaningful, but it creates enough of an uproar to wind the marriage up.
The Good News
For some it may just be that the relationship between you has become so boring, for so long; the spark has gone and you may have finished up like brother and sister. This can feel like "too good to leave, but too bad to stay", and you ask yourself, "is this it?" Let's face it, many folk never should have married each other in the first place, not because there was or is anything wrong with either of you. Dare I say it, you may have been too young or immature to make that kind of life time choice. However... the good news is, that ALL relationships have an ebb and a flow; a time when you feel close, and then more distant, then close again. This happens to most couples after a number of years creating a home, having and raising children, building a career. This phase of a relationship is very time and attention intense. It is also very growth producing!
The Problem
There are three aspects to the problem. Two are quite normal and are to be expected, the third is the one that creates the problem. Firstly, while all this busyness is going on, (creating home etc.), many couples become disconnected from each other without realising it. It just happens. Secondly, is that all relationships go through phases and stages of development, like plants, so the relationship needs to be metaphorically, repotted; it is ready for a whole new phase of growth! The third, and most damaging aspect is that, because they are not aware of what has happened, and that it is normal, when they feel the emptiness that starts to creep into their relationship, they unfortunately start to blame, criticise and find fault with each other. Now they create problems, by looking in all the wrong places for the cause of their unhappiness.
The Solution
There are three aspects to the solution! Firstly, STOP all the blaming, fault finding and generally focusing on the "problem". Secondly, get back into alignment with each other and become allies in creating the conditions for your marriage or partnership to grow. Thirdly, Reconnect. Remember when you first got together how you would spend a lot of time in front of the fire, being affectionate and touching, relaxed and talking about your hopes and dreams for the future. George Pransky tells a story about the couple who were like that, all warm, cosy and connected, and then when the temperature drops a little, one of them goes off to check if any of the windows is open because there might be a draught coming from somewhere. Before they knew where they were there was a draught proofing mission going on and the spell is broken. All that was needed was for one of them to throw a few more logs on the fire. So, drop all the endless discussion about who is to blame, and agree to try a different approach.
Getting Into Alignment
Think of your marriage as an entity in its own right, and consider if your attitude is helpful. It is struggling to move into a new, deeper, richer stage, even if it looks anything but! Albert Einstein said that the same kind of thinking that got you into a situation won't get you out of it. Carve out some time together to relax (by the fire). Soften your tone of voice, put on kindness and caring for each other. Decide that you are going to listen to your partner with your heart. Have some compassion for the couple that you are, trying to navigate the storms that visit all couples. You are on the same side! Agree that you are not going to refer to the "problem". Park it for now. Get in touch with the longings of your heart, your hopes and dreams for the year ahead (notice I didn't say fears). If you both agree to be open and honest in a kind and caring way, then you can both allow yourselves to be vulnerable again instead of defensive. Start to flesh out a new vision for the next stage of your individual lives and your life as a couple. Take a collaborative approach about how you can support each other to overcome the obstacles and to take your lives and love to a whole new level. Yes, it feels a bit risky, but any kind of growth involves moving out of your comfort zone... and that feels uncomfortable. Happy New Year!
Much Love to you all,
Grace
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Grace Chatting has a professional background in Social Work with children and families. She is MBACP Snr. Accredited Psychotherapist, Family Mediator, Relationship Coach, Founder of Relationship Academy and Author of the book "Mend It Don't End It"http://relationshipacademy.co.uk/e-books/ Grace can be contacted on 44(0)7816491165 or by Email grace@relationshipacademy.co.uk
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