Published On:Monday, October 22, 2012
Posted by abg man
Help! I haven't had sex in years
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How to kick-start your libido when you have fallen out of the sex habit
It's a kind of hell — being stuck between longing for another body's warmth and cold feet when there's an opportunity to finally get some. For those who've fallen out of habit, sex can become a bit like rocket science. While you know the theory, you may get the jitters before the 'practical' because sex is learned with experience and practise counts.
Watching those sanitised love scenes in films and reading about the art of lovemaking can make the anxiety worse. On the other hand, presuming that it will be spontaneous and will just come to you is not the solution either. While having sex is like riding a bike or swimming and you never really forget how to do it, getting back on the bike or into the pool may take some preparation. Sexologists Dr Mahinder Watsa and Prakash Kothari share some ways that help you get over those inhibitions. They recommend you start by stimulating all five senses.
Keep it on your mind
Start with the mental homework because everything starts inside your head. Let your mind get dirty. Remember, no one's watching it. Let those fantasies flow freely because thinking about sex makes you want it. Fantasise about a celebrity, actor or science professor. Read something erotic. Do it without your clothes. Better still, read aloud or listen to erotic audio. Or simply roam around naked in your house and watch yourself in the mirror. Sexy lingerie and a hot scented bath are sure to stoke those embers.
Tune up
Research shows that the effect of music lingers on in your mind long after you've stopped listening to it. So get the right playlist, one which leads your mind in a direction your body can follow. A higher tempo will put you in a confident and alert state of mind (put it later on your playlist, perhaps), a slow one will make you calm and meditative and a sensuous number will leave you asking for more. Here are a few suggestions- Je t'aime... moi non plus by Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg, Deep by Blackstreet, Pony by Ginuwine, Peaches and Cream by 112 and Silk's Freak Me.
Body work
Remember your body is the instrument of pleasure. Pamper it to feel more sexual. Go for a massage. The strokes and pressure stoke libido and increase blood circulation to tissues. A good session at a spa can leave you feeling sexually charged. Go for a full body wax — don't leave out the trapdoors. Your skin will feel soft and refreshed. Men can also try waxing their backs and chest, if not the whole body. An epilated skin feels more sensual and responds to caresses. Then feel and admire your body in the mirror.
Sweat it
Exercise is critical because it does three things - improves your body image, makes you fit for physical action and also releases those happy chemicals that make you feel good about yourself. In short, it's a great tool to not only up your libido but also satisfy it. Exercise not only makes you more potent but also brings you to arousal quicker. Exercising for even 12 minutes five days a week can help. Remind yourself that sex is not just about those final few minutes. It's everything you do before as well.
Let the rhythm get you
You may feel clumsy and clunky when you're just beginning to get physically intimate. To get up to speed quickly, get some practice in movement. Dancing fosters openness and curiosity. Roll exercise and seduction into one pastime — enroll in pole-dancing or belly dancing classes. If these are too overt, enroll for salsa with your partner. This will also give you opportunity to flirt. Back in the bedroom, it will help you move without inhibition. You will feel sexy and it will also project you in a new light to your partner.
Eat it up
Food high on testosterone, whether you're a man or a woman, can raise your desire for sex. The hormone does wonders for your libido. It's difficult to detect testosterone levels and hence it's safer to just eat the right foods. Have kaali daal (Urad) twice a week. Leafy green vegetables are apparently good for more than just vitamins.
Eating off your partner's body is also good for sexual health. So plan some bedroom activity around food. This planning will save you the trouble of wondering what to do next while you're in the act. Get creative with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, honey or fruit pulp. Paint a chocolate path that leads to your hot zones and have your partner lick it off. Chilled champagne, wine or beer will help you loosen up. Thoroughly washed cucumbers, carrots and bananas can double up as sex toys.
Practise
What you do in the rehearsals shapes your performance in the final show. So learn to have fun with yourself first. Check the Kamasutra, which has details on pleasuring yourself. Touch and stimulate the parts of your body that arouse you. Use toys and foods mentioned above when you're practising.
Stress it down
If the problem goes deeper, figure out what's making you feel out of it. Stress is the number one killer of all appetite. So identify the factors that cause you stress. The human mind goes into the alert mode when stressed and this interferes with your sexual system, not allowing it to activate itself. You need to think about when you last took a holiday. Don't bring work home and plan weekends outside the city.
Position yourself
Once you get started, think of ways to keep going. Try innovative positions — there is more to it than missionary, woman-on-top, and doggie. Get the mobile version of Kamasutra on your phone. A change of location can help - try the dining table or kitchen platform. Change your sex schedule. Jump your partner before you head out for a party or movie. Even a quickie will help kickstart the libido scooter.
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