Published On:Sunday, July 8, 2012
Posted by abg man
Dying for Love Might Kill Your Relationships
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Ira Levin's book "A Kiss before Dying" is considered one of the best psychological thrillers ever written. (In case you haven't read it you might have seen the movie "Rosemary's Baby" which is based on another book by Ira Levin). While "A Kiss before Dying" is a thriller, its leitmotif circles around the issue of neediness, dependency and their consequences. These personality-characteristics drive the entire plot and enable it to unfold the way it does.
Having said that (and not more in order to not ruin your pleasure should you decide to read the book), one thing is certain: the book's success is tightly related to the bottomless desire to be loved which drives some of the main characters to behave the way they do.
This is no coincidence: the need to be loved is highly prevalent and drives many to enter unhealthy, even abusive relationships. If you too see yourself as being controlled by such a need, you might also be able to see the consequences it has brought upon you (by looking at patterns of relationships you have had).
Many, however, who are afflicted by such a bottomless need, are often not aware of it. They describe themselves as "having a lot of love to give"; as "someone who loves to be in a relationship"; as "a person who feels much compassion for others"; as "someone who is very social", and so on and so forth.
The problem is, that if you describe yourself that way, you might "fall in love" over and over again with others who are not right for you; others who might abuse your "love"; partners who might go out with you just in order to fulfil their own needs.
When your relationship fails (which apparently happens time and again), you might resort to various excuses to justify to yourself why it has failed: your partner didn't have as much love to offer as you did; your partner wasn't willing to commit as much as you did; your partner didn't appreciate who you are - and so on.
It is easier for you to resort to such explanations rather than admit - primarily to yourself - that you are driven by neediness as well as by the fear of being alone, both of which drive you to be willing to go out with whoever shows interest in you.
Have you been a thriller writer, I bet you might have had many stories to tell about partners you went out with; uncomfortable situations you have gotten yourself into; consequences you were trying to escape (at times unsuccessfully); self-punishment you endured, distressing and agonizing times (after initial weeks of excitement, hope and exhilaration).
But even without being a thriller writer, it is likely possible for you to see parallels between most relationships you have had; commonalities between most partners you went out with; your reaction and behavioural patterns which persist throughout all your attempts at dating and relationships.
In essence, you do write your own life-story as you continue your search for a satisfying relationship. But as long as you are dominated by neediness and dependency, it might be impossible for you to eventually develop the relationship that you want. In order to do so you must take the time to work on your issues, become aware of the ways in which your neediness and dependency issues drove you to hurt yourself (time and again) and get them solved.
Ira Levin's "A Kiss before Dying" is a great book which shows what happens to those who have not taken the steps to become aware of their neediness and dependency. Dying for love might indeed kill you.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is a Self-Awareness and Relationships Expert, with 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. Dr. Gil has taught classes to thousands of students, has written numerous articles on the subject and is the author of: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and Learning How to Stop it!" http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
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