Published On:Saturday, September 8, 2012
Posted by abg man
Sex buddies eroding institution of marriage?
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Sex buddies eroding institution of marriage? (Thinkstock photos/Getty Images)
They are just friends outside — going out, partying, catching up over adda. But in the bedroom, they're mates in the true sense of the word. That's why they're called friends with benefits, or — in GenNext lingo — f*** buddies.
People might react with shock and horror, but these liaisons are here to stay in Kolkata. For years, relationships that thrived on casual sex were derided as a perversion from the West. But more and more buddies who also shack up can't really be bothered about social mores. "The best about being in such a relationship is that it comes without any baggage. I don't have the time or mindset to get into a committed relationship. But having a friend with benefits gives me a break from my daily routine. I can't pick up and drop my girlfriend all the time, I can't put up with her tantrums after a hard day's work, I can't spend boring evenings meeting her parents having inane discussions. But that doesn't mean I don't have needs. I have had two such friends, and there was never any emotional trauma. We knew what we were up to, and both were into it for the same reason," says Soumik Mitra, a busy lawyer at Calcutta High Court who's in his late twenties.
Ask sociologists, and they say that despite our conservative traditions, free sex is gradually becoming common . "We have always been trying to Westernise ourselves. There, sex and relationships can be two separate things. In a more liberal society,
girls, too, are not conservative anymore.
They want to break taboos. So when guys and girls approach each other, there are no inhibitions," says Dr Angshuman Sarkar, head of the department, sociology, Presidency University.
"I knew this guy from college. There was some attraction and I was also very fond of him. We shared good chemistry and became friends. This led to that and we occasionally had sex. But there was no commitment involved. We would get intimate on and off, in between seeing other people. There was no emotional baggage, and we were both game for it," says Nisha Chatterjee, an HR consultant. Although she has done her higher studies abroad, she says her experiences there have nothing to do with her having a f*** buddy.
Social researchers tracking the trend say that casual relationships are on the rise as people — caught up in their fast-moving lives — become more self-centred. "I, me, myself is the mantra. People don't want commitment and bindings anymore. As a result the faith in marriage as an institution is eroding. A basic reason for marriage was the fulfilment of biological instincts. If that need is satisfied outside marriage, why get married?" says Dr Sarkar. However, he has a word of caution. The trend suggests that society as we know it today will fail gradually, he warns. "This will have a huge impact on human relationships. As the family fails, there will be no restraint and cases of rape and eve-teasing will be on the rise. The next generation will not have a sense of direction. We have copied from the West, but failed to inculcate the discipline inherent in Western society," he says.
But not all people — or their friends with benefits — could be bothered. "I am sure everybody wants to have such a relationship, but many don't have the chance. There is nothing wrong in being physically intimate with someone I like, just for the heck of it. Why bring the issue of commitment into it?" says Tanaya Basu, a media professional. Why indeed?
(Some names have been changed on request)
With sex no longer a taboo, young couple going in for arranged marriage are taking the sexual compatibility test and passing it too.
Marriages are made in heaven, but the mechanics that hold it together are forged in bed. Realizing this, more and more about-towed couples are breaching the final frontier and taking sexual compatibility tests.
Take the case of computer engineer Subir Ghosh (29) and college passout Rimita Dutta Gupta (23). The duo, who will tie the knot in Jan-end, got engaged during the Pujas. "From the start, we felt we needed to know each other well, both mentally and physically. When together, we spoke as much about our new house and decor as our sexual fantasies. I figured out that my would-be husband fantasizes about oral sex, while I'm not too comfortable with it. But never for once did he force me into it," says Rimita.
Not too far behind is the young engineer couple in their early 30s — Sneha Roy and Prakash Banerjee. Prakash says he had a tough time breaking the ice with his bride-to-be. "My would-be wife is a little conservative and it took me months to rid her of the fear of physical proximity. But after knowing each other for six months, it was she who initiated the first physical encounter," says Prakash.
But jumping into bed is not too simple. The queue outside doctors' chambers is testimony enough. Sheena Misra Ghosh, consultant psychologist, says, "Pre-nuptial pangs are common these days. Before marriage, almost everyone wants to know whether he/she is ending up with the right partner. It's commonly observed that men with dominating mothers suffer from performance anxiety." The common advice in such cases is: observe the partner, understand the sexual needs and make your moves.
Consultant clinical psychologist Mridula Apte says it's important to know the letters before one gets to the words. "Sexual encounters should be out of love, not lust. Sex is the crux of every marriage. However, women need to handle it with maturity. Sexual encounters, for them, involve a lot of commitment," she says.
But not everyone has passed the sexual compatibility test. Jai Ranjan Ram, consultant psychiatrist, explains that he had a young IT professional seeking help after calling off her marriage. "She found out that the guy was impotent. In another case, the woman came with a strange problem: her would-be husband was hellbent on finding out if she was a virgin. The man was suffering from a pathological disorder and that ruined the marriage," says Jai Ranjan.
That couples are queuing up for pre-marital counselling is a good sign, feel city doctors. Dipanwita Hazari, gynaecologist, says, "Today, couples are aware that bad sex or the dearth of physical intimacy can ruin a relationship. Couples looking to get married often approach me to learn about safe sex, contraception or how painful can the first time get." Consultant psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Sen, however, has a word of caution, "While you need to know whether your partner is sexually compatible or not, it's important to figure out in which direction the relationship is headed."
Ruman Ganguly & Zinia Sen
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